Wednesday, 14 March 2018

Aunty Nellie's Party

I found something I wrote some years ago. I don't remember when. Maybe it will give you a giggle.

Aunty Nelly's Party.

Shelley and Kelly were watching the telly
when who should arrive but their old Aunty June;
she’d just come from Delhi with great Aunty Nelly
whose 90th birthday was coming up soon.

Being quite hearty she wanted a party
with all of her relatives present to boot.
Not so much tarty as ex-glitterati,
Nelly was known as a bit of a hoot.

The party arranger was June’s cousin Grainger
along with his know-it-all wife Gabrielle
but she was the danger; this dog in the manger
was not known for making a party go well.

June’s sister Gemma was in a dilemma
‘cause she didn’t think that poor Grainger could cope
but that just left Emma, and she had a tremor
and June said that Emma just hadn’t a hope.

So, with much trepidation, without a relation
June started to get everything underway
but with one stipulation: this great celebration
was not an excuse for a drunken display.

With everything ready her youngest son Freddy
acted as chauffeur for most of the guests.
They could get unsteady, and some were already,
and this way there shouldn’t be many arrests.

Grainger’s friend Duffy provided the buffet
and what a magnificent effort he’d made;
the soufflés were fluffy, the vol-au-vents puffy,
and each single item superbly displayed.

The first to come in was a woman called Lynn
with her husband, and old chap who looked like an elf;
she asked with a grin for a bottle of gin
and made it quite clear it was all for herself.

Then in came Theresa, a bit of a freezer,
who only drank straight bitter lemon, on ice.
No one would tease her or come near to squeeze her.
Theresa thought that sort of things wasn’t nice.

Then someone spilled cola on June’s gorgonzola
and June didn’t think that was funny at all
so, hurriedly, Lola got out her viola
and played a duet with the pianist, Paul.

This prompted Hedley, whose singing was deadly
and likely to send everybody to sleep,
to accompany Sedley in singing a medley
of songs guaranteed to make anyone weep.

Great Aunty Leah, who’s rather a dear,
said their accomplishments just wouldn’t do.
She picked up a beer and, shedding a tear,
poured it all over the heads of the two!

A cousin from Derry was getting quite merry;
he put on some music and started to jive
with terrible Terri who’d had too much sherry,
which greatly disgusted her fiancé, Clive.

A woman called Corah was dancing the Hora
and trying to make everybody join in
when Great Aunty Nora upset Aunty Dora
by telling her she was as ugly as sin.

Dora cavorted, her face all contorted,
“Ugly I may be but you’ll go to hell!
You should be deported,” she loudly retorted,
“and all of your jailbird relations as well!”

Just then young Mary, dressed up as a fairy,
got up to give us her best party piece
but June all unwary said, “Look! a canary!”
and Dora said someone should call the police.

Her daughter, Priscilla, whose face was a killer,
ran to her mother, to Nora’s delight.
“It must be a thriller. Here comes a gorilla!”
she said very loudly. Priscilla went white.

She grabbed hold of Pam who was carving the ham
and asked her to carve up Aunt Nora instead.
“I’ll get you some lamb, or we’ve even got Spam,”
she replied. Well, she isn’t quite right in the head.

Cousin Matilda kissed Cyril, a builder,
and asked him if he was a man or a mouse.
This just bewildered poor half witted Hilda
who burst into tears and ran from the house.

She ran down the street with no shoes on her feet
and was picked up by neighbours who took her right back
but she mumbled some stuff about things getting rough
which caused them to wonder if she was on crack.

The party was done, well it wasn’t much fun,
just too many idiots all in one place.
The big celebration, devoid of elation,
had caused some relations to leave in disgrace.

The great aunts were fine as they finished the wine,
giggling like mad as they kicked up their heels
whilst June swore she’d never do parties, not ever,
as long as she lives. And I know how she feels.

© CS 2018