The Infamous Hedgehog Song . X rated For Discworld Fans Only

Sung to the tune of "Bonnie Dundee"
http://www.lspace.org/fandom/songs/hedghog1.mid.
Words by Janeel Kharg and others.
(A few verses from groups online to which I added some of my own.) 



1 
Now you tail-lifting buggers from Ramtop or plain

If you take my advice you will save yourself pain

When the base urges strike you it's best to recall

That the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

CHORUS 
So here's to the hedgehog, he's sharp as they come

You'll never get through his impregnable bum

With his nose up his arsehole and rolled in a ball

The hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

2 
Mounting a horse can be tricky but fun

An elephant too though he weighs several ton
you may need a ladder or maybe a wall,

But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

3.
You can bugger a bear if you do it with care,
in winter, when he is asleep in his lair,
though I wouldn't advise it in spring or in fall
but the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

4 
The sheep is a classic, as well you may find,
the donkey's a danger for standing behind,
the llama's all right if he isn't too tall,
but the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

5.
You can ravish a sloth but it could take all night

With a shark it is fast but watch out when they bite.
With koalas you're running the risk of a fall
But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

6 
The friendly bonobo is willing to hump
and he'll do it to you if you show him your rump,
he'll do all his friends, both the large and the small,
but the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

7 
A hippo is huge so take care if beneath,
a crocodile's risky and choc full of teeth,
gorillas are good if you fancy a brawl
But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

 8 
A lion is frisky, a leopard is fun,

But to keep up with them you may well have to run.

You might try a tiger if you've got the gall

But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

9 
You must take to the water if penguin's your thing,
flamingos might be your idea of a fling
you can roger a fox or a wolf or jackal,

But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

10
You can warm up a polar bear out in the snow
he'll put up a fight but he'll never say No,
a bison or reindeer may let you install
But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

11
You can boff a giraffe if it isn't too high

and a pig if there's not too much mud in the sty.
When passing the zoo, come in one, come in all,

But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

12
Now a dog is man's best friend as everyone knows
and always on hand which is good I suppose

But the fact still remains that if you want to ball

The hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

13 
You can hump a baboon if it doesn't hump you

And a wildebeest's really got something quite gnu

Carouse with a mouse if you're really that small

But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

14
If you're lonely in Lancre or down in Sto Lat
you may be enticed by a bird or a bat

but of all the sweet creatures that thrill and enthrall,

the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

15 
Yes the hedgehog's a handful and cute as a bun

You'd think he'd be perfect for animal fun

But needle-like bristles just prove to us all

That the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

16
Though they give you the eye and they tip you the wink,
Bringing you to the point where you're just on the brink,
Spurning all their advances will be your best call,
For the hedgehog can never be buggered at all!

17
You can bugger a whale if you're willing to swim
or an Orang Utan if you hang from a limb,
a tortoise is fun if you slow … to…  a …  crawl
but a hedgehog can never be buggered at all!