Diary of a Troubled Mind

Written across a week during a time when depression was a frequent unwelcome visitor.  I have quite a collection from that time.  It may seem odd to be able to get one's thoughts on paper during such times, but it's one way of coping.


Diary of a Troubled Mind


Day I

Curled beneath the covers
trembling, thumb in mouth,
silent tears dampen the pillow.
Once again oblivion calls
as sanity
slowly
slips
away


Day 2

A mind bewildered, fogged, befuddled,
thoughts and feelings mixed and muddled,
from the confusion a thought emerges,
sobbed at first, it quickly surges:
I have - the right - to say no...
I have the right to say no.
I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SAY NO!


Day 3

My birthday.
Celebrate? I don't think so.
One card, from my sister
- at least someone remembered -
with some of her poems
on how to be a better Christian.
Or something.


Day 4

It's all a matter of balance.
One wrong move and whoops!
there she goes again;
hurtling to who knows where.
Psyche on the high wire
without a safety net.


Day 5

Lavender, bergamot, ylang ylang;
a recipe for calm.
At last the heart stops pounding,
lies still the trembling arm.
Some semblance of normality
brings reason to the fore
to put my thoughts in order,
to face the world once more.



Day 6

Today I woke feeling normal,
normal, that is, for me.
I realise I'm noticing things,
becoming aware of the outside world;
the roar of traffic, next door's dogs.
A siren wails, and another,
as ambulances pass.
Next door are drilling, hammering;
sounds as if they're coming through.

It's cold today, cold and grey,
Spring halted in its tracks.
Today, perhaps, I can leave my room,
get online, make contact.
Hi Mac, nice to see you
seems like simply ages
since last I touched your keys.

But wait! The trembling threatens,
the heart begins to pound.
Perhaps another day?
No use rushing into things.
I can wait. I can wait...
No, I'm a big girl now.
I can do this. Right?


Crazy
© April 2003