The Wedding. Humour in dialect.

The Wedding


Last weekend I went to a weddin';
the bride were a cousin o' mine
and this were a day I'd been dreadin',
well, I'd known her since she were nine
and she's never been one for't fellas,
her comments on men were obscene,
she'd drive them away with umbrellas
as part of her daily routine.

When she she told us what she contemplated
we none of us knew what to say
cause she'd 'ave 'ad all men castrated
if she could 'ave 'ad her own way.
Just why she were thinking of marriage
was something that nobody knew
to ask 'er required too much courage,
and she wouldn't give us a clue.

Well, me mother had ordered a taxi,
to get us to't church about ten;
what came was an old Austin maxi;
we'll never use that firm again.
The driver impatiently waited
as we all got settled inside,
'cause if there were one thing 'e 'ated,
it were owt to do wi' a bride.

It seems that 'e once had been jilted,
and left at the altar, poor bloke,
and now, well, his ardour was wilted.
Don't laugh, at his age it's no joke.
Finally, as we were ready,
we set off with some time to spare.
The driver, 'oo's first name were Freddy,
started to curse and to swear.

"I think I must have an infection.
It's awfully 'ot now in 'ere.
If no-one has any objection,
I'm goin' to stop for a beer."
Well, 'e stopped at the end of the alley,
it were just down the road from the church,
so I followed him, not to be pally,
but in case he left us in the lurch!

Just then my belief was supended,
as I followed 'im in through the door-
'cause there was our Molly's intended -
still drunk from the evenin' before.
It seems they'd been 'avin' a party,
a bit of a do fer the lad,
and a telegram girl, very tarty,
'ad arrived and were gettin' unclad.

Well, this got 'im over-excited,
which led to 'im acting the clown,
but the landlord was not too delighted,
so 'e'd then 'ad to cool himself down.
I felt very sorry for Malcolm,
I thought it were all a bit rough,
but that didn't alter the problem,
that 'e'd swallowed far more than enough.

I sent Freddy back to the others,
to get to the church a bit quicker,
then carried the groom to me mother's,
to sober him up for the vicar.
I stuck 'is 'ead under the shower
and got him to church, just in time;
'e were wet and 'e 'adn't a flower,
but I didn't think that were a crime.

Well, if you'd seen the face on our Molly,
you'd think 'e'd commited a sin;
if 'er bouquet had been made of 'olly...
but the service were due to begin.
'Twere the usual sort of a merger,
and it were all going off fine
until we all saw the young verger,
who'd found the communion wine.

He were stood on one leg on an 'assock,
and singing his favourite 'ymn
while twirling the 'em of his cassock,
you might say 'e were out - on a limb.
Malcolm just stood looking silly,
our Molly had burst into tears,
while Alison's great uncle Willy
just said it confirmed 'is worst fears.

We got round to throwing't confetti
wi'owt too much else goin' wrong
except for the soloist, Betty,
who'd forgotten the words of 'er song.
The vicar were looking quite shaken,
as all of us lined up outside
to 'ave all our photographs taken
along wi' the groom and the bride.

They'd persuaded a cousin from Warwick
to commemorate their special day;
the camera 'e 'ad were 'istoric,
but 'e said it would all be ok.
It were not the success of the decade;
I don't think 'e'd done it afore
cause 'e spent all his time with a bridesmaid
who were done up like ZsaZsa Gabor.

When 'e finally got round to takin'
a picture with all of us on
'e saw the mistake 'e'd been makin',
'cause most of the people had gone.
We were all of us fed up wi' waitin',
well, we'd been in the rain fer an 'our
and great aunty Flo were beratin'
the poor groom for not havin' a flower.

So we went off to 'ave the reception,
in the local community 'all;
and wi'out a single exception
we all reckoned on 'avin' a ball.
Our Molly were stood in the entrance,
to greet all 'er fam'ly and friends
though with somewhat more dogged forbearance
than the etiquette book recommends.

It were one thing on top of another;
young Malcom had started to bleat
'cause 'e'd noticed that poor Molly's mother
had gotten her shoes on't wrong feet.
The guests were all split into factions,
they 'ardly were saying a word;
and Betty were having contractions
but plodded right on undeterred.

Molly's mother 'ad laid on a buffet
and got in a barrel of beer
but grandad were gettin' right huffy;
'e said that the ale wasn't clear.
In between all the eatin' and drinkin'
we danced to a small local band
while the best man were busily thinkin'
about the great speech 'e 'ad planned.

When it got to't time for the speeches
it were gettin' quite 'ard to respond
and the men were all stickin' like leeches
to an underdressed buxom young blond.
It were Alison's great aunty Dolly
who committed't worst gaffe of't day
when she said that our man-hatin' Molly
must be in't family way.

Well, that almost started a riot,
great aunty Dolly got soaked,
then Alison's mum yelled fer quiet,
she said that her baby had choked.
Malcolm, that's Alison's brother,
was going quite blue in't face
and clingin' on tight to 'is mother;
of Molly there wasn't a trace.

I found 'er at 'ome watchin' telly,
and told 'er she ought to go back,
but she said she'd a pain in 'er belly,
and perhaps she should call fer the quack.
I summed up this dire situation
and tried not to get too distraught
well, maybe our aged relation
was not quite as daft as we thought.

I sat meself down next to Molly,
and thought while I lit up a fag.
She said "I'm not feeling too jolly,
do you mind if I just have a drag?"
"Molly," I said with suspicion,
"you don't mean that Dolly was right?
Are you in - a certain condition?"
Molly jumped up and went white.

"Oh heck," she exclaimed, "I've been rumbled.
Now what am I goin' to do?"
"Well, I really don't know, love," I mumbled,
"perhaps you had best tell me who..."
"You stupid great lumberin' lummock,
of course I'm not pregnant you clot.
Just look at the size of me stomach.
It's just indigestion I've got.

Do you think that I'm some sort of trollop?
Are you calling your cousin a whore?"
And that's when she fetched me a wallop,
and bundled me out of the door.
I wondered if she'd done karate,
well, I really weren't feelin' too grand
and when I got back to the party,
things had got quite out of 'and.

Then a couple of daft teenyboppers
got drunk and assaulted our Mick
so somebody sent fer the coppers,
who carted us off down the nick.
We all climbed up into the wagon,
the coppers were sat in the front,
one were a lass, a right dragon,
and the other, a miserable runt.

They stuck us all into the lock-up,
and left us in there fer the night;
the whole thing had been quite a cock-up,
and we all looked a terrible sight.
When the cops let us out in the mornin',
I'd an 'orrible pain in me 'ead
I stumbled home, stretching and yawnin',
and threw meself onto me bed.

Well, like I was sayin', this weddin',
we didn't half have some fun.
Malcolm is workin' in beddin',
and Molly's becomin' a nun.


© 2002